Ever since I got off the phone yesterday with "J" (oldest sister, 21 wk preggo) the other day, I started to really wonder- how do I tell my friend K that her relationship with Al shows precursors of an abusive relationship? The reason I know the precursors is because in my Intro to Women's Studies class. We recently went over the precursors: being jealous, starts to isolate you from your friends, controlling issues. She has at least 2 outta 3, if not all. Let me explain.
I have been friends with K and Al since our freshman year of high school. They started dating in the past year or so. I'm not saying he's a bad guy. I'm just saying since my family has a history with domestic violence* and with this class, it's got me worried that their relationship could turn down a bad path, and I don't want to see that happen to her or him.
One of the things that he does is he doesn't like her to be in contact with some of her guy friends, including her ex. Now I can understand the ex thing to a point, but I've talked to both K and W, and neither of them ever want to date each other again. K kind of laments that W "got custody" of her best guy friend that was pratically a brother to her, J, after her and W broke up. However, her story on that one is a little iffy. Another instance of him not wanting her to talk to some of her guy friends is a semi-friend of mine** D. She was on the phone with D one night, and Al called. She asked if he could call back in a little while because she was on the phone with D and he threw a hissyfit. I was at her party that she had a week before her birthday. Al had a hold of her phone practically the whole time. D texted her while Al had it, and he wouldn't let her see the phone, so I texted D to say Al had the phone.
I'm just worried about her. She's changed a lot in the past year or so. When my ex dumped me and I cam e home for spring break, all I wanted was a girls only get together with her and KT. They couldn't hang out with me on the same day, so wee did separate days. KT's day was great. I was able to vent to her, and she was a shoulder for me. On K's day, she was an hour late, and she brought AL with her. I get the wanting to do everything with your boyfriend/significant other, however when you ask your friend for a girls day, it doesn't mean you can bring the bf along, especially if this is shortly after the one wanting the girls day just got dumped. Granted, Al in that moment actually was a better listener/was more sympathetic than K, but that is beside the point. I'm just worried.
So what do I do? My gut tells me that I should tell her, even if it's in a gentle manner. However, at the same time, it's telling me that if/when I do share my concerns, that friendship is done, and so is the one with Al. So what do I do?
*My aunt's first husband was abusive to her. The one incident that happened to her when I was just a baby (or was possibly not born yet, they were together for a while) was when their oldest child L had to try and pull him off of my aunt because he was choking my aunt. Needless to say, he's not welcome at family get together's and his children he had with her, along with my aunt have little to no contact with him.
**I say semi-friend because there are times when we get along, but then something happens that makes me not want to ever talk to him again.
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