Struggling with Self-Worth

    Ever feel like that the dynamic of the team you work on has changed but that you don't know when or how? That is how I feel currently. I am one of the oldest in the group of people that are not on the admin team at my job, and lately I feel one step removed. And for me that is difficult to handle. Since being a little kid, all I wanted to do is belong or fit in. With this group, the perception is there that as hard as I try I will never completely fit in, will never be good enough.

    I have struggled with feeling good enough for so many years. And it is not a constant thing, but it comes up and slaps me in the face at the most random times. Some people out there may chalk it up to daddy issues or something- that as a kid, I always wanted to fit the mold that he had for me, but never could quite fit. Being the youngest of 3, one sibling being top of her class, the other barely graduating, always getting compared between the two, and never measuring up to either. 

    Now, is the dynamic of the team and feeling left out my other team members fault? No. That falls on me. Do their actions have impact on that perception? Yes. The difficult thing for me to resolve is how their actions affect me. How do I find that balance between wanting to be part of the team and not giving 2 shits about whether everyone likes me or not? It does not help that I suck at confrontation, that it amps up my anxiety/insecurities to the point of that I take the heightened feelings and either lash out or retreat into myself. The balance is what I struggle with. And I've bought self-help or "self-improvement" books on the subject, I just haven't cracked them open yet.

    This is another reason why I have not entertained dating again. Until I move out on my own (for the last time, lol), until I don't feel the semi-constant need to please someone or get acceptance for who I am and how I act from someone other than myself, I have no business dating. As much as I would like to, I do not want to lose myself in another person again. I've done that before. The last time just fizzled out but the first time, the most one with the most impact, fucked me over royally. An I know, it has been a LONG time since that happened, but your first real relationship does a number on you when the guy fucks with your head and then dumps you over the internet, and the things that he did that I found out about after-the-fact took its toll.

    Putting myself out there to be heard/judged has always been something that I have been apprehensive about. Most of the time I harp on myself after the fact when it has gone well. Other times, when it seems that others have a differing opinion on something, it feels like I have put my foot so far in my mouth that it could come out the other end because I can do or say nothing right in their eyes. For example, some of us at work have a Discord server to post random shit/vent about things at work that irritate you. A previous sub-server that we had got deleted because others were bitching on there about a coworker that could potentially see what was being written so someone created a locked sub-server that person could not see. It seems that has happened again, this time with me being the person that is not included. When you can see everyone else on the private server you are part of are online, can hear the notifications going off on one of the group members phones but then nothing is popping up on any of the servers you are part of- let me tell you, it feels like bitter rejection. And you wrack your brain to figure out what may have been the catalyst for the exclusion, apologize to the person privately that you think it may have been involved, but still not included. It is a bitter pill to swallow- that notion of that you cannot please everyone, that you won't be liked/accepted by everyone, the not giving a fuck. It's shit.